Thoughts on Belief

I've been thinking a lot lately about belief. Maybe it's because I just finished teaching a study on the Gospel of John, which is all about belief. Or maybe it's because I've been going through a bit of an identity crisis for the past few months, causing me to question if I still want to believe what I believe, namely concerning God, and life, and the point of it all.

Sometimes life takes us down unexpected paths from which there is no going back. A choice is made, a commitment is spoken, and from then on, our reality is changed. It goes without saying then that when life gets tough, the first thing to be challenged is that choice that got us there in the first place. And that's where belief comes in. That choice was based on belief, and since belief is intangible, it’s easy to second guess.

I guess it’s because of this toughness of life that I often find myself dreaming of a life that is totally different from the one I live now. A new city, new relationships, new passions, new values. And I wonder if the Elizabeth living in that life would be any happier than the one living here.

Other times I find myself dreaming of another life that, while also being totally different from the one I live now, is more of an extension of my current self rather than a depart from it. Deeper connections, passions pursued with determination, values not just espoused but lived by. A life where the things that I say I believe are magnified through my actions, my thoughts, my words, and my choices. And I’m pretty sure that the Elizabeth living this life would definitely be happier. So what’s stopping me then from making this dream a reality?

There’s a passage towards the end of the book of John concerning one of Jesus’ disciples, Thomas. Jesus has just been executed, buried, and then miraculously come back to life. He appears before the disciples when they are gathered together, only Thomas isn’t there. When the others tell him what they saw, he can’t believe it. His reaction, which he will be forever known by, was to state that until he felt Jesus’ wounds himself, he would not believe it to be true. So, when Jesus appears before them again, he goes to Thomas and offers him his hands to hold. He tells Thomas to reach into the wound where the arrow pierced his side. Whatever it takes for him to believe, Jesus offers it. For Mary it just took hearing her name spoken by her Lord; but Thomas, he needed something tangible, so Jesus gave it.

There are days where, like Mary, I can get by just hearing my name whispered by the gentle wind, spoken in a beautiful sunset, or just emitting from the stillness of a Sunday afternoon. Mostly though, I need the tangible. I need proof that my dreams aren’t crazy, that my choices, my sacrifices, haven’t been made in vain. I need to know that choosing to continue on this path is worth all of the dreams I’ve had to watch die along the way.

Jesus tells Thomas, “Because you have seen me, you believe; blessed are those who have not seen and yet believe.” Blessed is such a funny word. We don’t use it a lot now, except for in certain religious circles. I think I would substitute the word lucky. Lucky are those who have not seen and yet believe. Lucky are those who don’t live with doubt. Not a Las Vegas type of luck, more like a “The test was negative, you don’t have cancer” luck. A luck, a blessing, that leaves you sighing in relief and thanking God that you don’t have to go that way. But in the end, the believing is what matters; it’s just a hell of an easier ride if you can trust the one you believe in, unconditionally.