I have been on vacation this week. My plan was to spend one day in bed being lazy, another day out running errands and doing work around the house, and the third day applying for jobs and revamping my business plan for The Fainting Goat. In reality though I have pretty much spent three days in bed being lazy, got a little bit of work done at the house, ran no errands whatsoever, and spent some good times with some good people. Today, literally between naps, I took my dog for a walk at Kennesaw Mt. She absolutely loves being outdoors and around people, and today was the perfect day for it. After a while we stopped in a field and took a break under a tree. I sat and thought about life and listened to Damien Rice sing while she explored the six foot radius that her leash would allow. I thought about my life lately, how happy I have been in some ways and how miserable I’ve been in others. I thought about my business and what it will take for it to be a success one day. I remembered a time when in college I had come and sat under the same tree and struggled with many of the same issues that I still deal with now.
After about two or three songs worth of these meandering thoughts, Annie got tired of the ants and bees and came and sat next to me. I started scratching her back, which of course she loved. She started wallowing on the dry grass and dirt at my feet, then on me, until we were essentially wrestling on the ground. When it was over, we were both covered in dirt and my black tank top looked gray from all of her white hair clinging to it. We sat there and just enjoyed the sunshine and the breeze a little longer. I looked at her, dirt on her face, dried grass and twigs sticking in her hair, tongue hanging out and breaths heavy. It was the picture of pure joy. I knew she was so happy in that moment, she had her mama and sunshine and dirt, and in her world that is everything.
Monday night I heard myself say that if I’m not happy with a situation in my life, then I just change it.. Today as I sat and stared at my happy dog, I started to wonder when the last time that I felt like that was. What is my “everything”, and what is keeping me from it right now?
Last year was pretty rough for me. I learned some hard lessons about patience, trust, and friendship. I had my heart broken by someone that I thought was a friend. I suffered through an impossibly painful situation that I felt would never end. Then in December, I experienced what I am hoping will be the loneliest day of my life. I truly believe that season of sadness has ended though. In the past few months, I’ve taken steps to change things. I signed up for an online dating site to remind myself that dating can be fun again. I’ve interviewed for jobs that I knew I would never get just so that I could say I tried. While some of the main situations and relationships that caused me pain last year are no longer in my life, others still are, and I’m learning how to deal with those in a healthy way. Even though it feels like a lot of these steps have been reactive ones, I’m proud of myself and my ability to get back up and keep going in life.
Having said that, I feel like its time for me to start taking steps that are more proactive. I know what I want my life to look like, and its not there yet. Even if it means that I rent out rooms in my house or take a job behind a bar somewhere, I know that I have to be willing to do whatever it takes to make it happen if I really want to see change. I want to have my everything moments on a weekly or daily basis. So many people live for vacations or holidays to embrace joy. I want a life that embraces it on Wednesday afternoons.
I don’t have a plan yet, but I have the desire and drive for one now, so I know it will come together quickly. I do have a timeline though. Tomorrow is April 1. In almost exactly 5 months I will turn 30. This seems like the perfect milestone to start the next chapter in my story. Five months is a do-able timeframe, but it also doesn’t allow time for dawdling. I want this spring and summer to be one of the happiest and fullest seasons of my life.
One big element of my plan will be The Fainting Goat. I’m taking it in a new direction (or it’s taking me there). Who knows what exactly it will look like on the other side of this facelift, or if it will even still be called The Fainting Goat. I do know that I will be unloading a lot of my current inventory though, so if you want to come shopping for vintage deals I’ll let you know when and where.
I’m also going to start blogging again. I realized that the only time I post anything that I write now is when it’s something serious or profound. I miss my ramblings on mall cops and time travel. Even though life can be serious some times, I can’t take it so seriously all the time.
Time to go bake for a while. I’ll leave you with a little Emily Dickinson. (Does it make it sound less serious if I tell you that I came across it in Glamour magazine tonight while waiting on my hair dye to process?) :
Hope is the thing with feathers
That perches in the soul,
And sings the tune without the words,
And never stops at all,
And sweetest in the gale is heard;
And sore must be the storm
That could abash the little bird
That kept so many warm.
I've heard it in the chilliest land
And on the strangest sea;
Yet, never, in extremity,
It asked a crumb of me.
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